Black Micron 005
Black Micron 005 is the world's most unhealthily obese athlete. He runs fifteen miles a day, bench-presses two-hundred pounds, and eats nothing but celery and protein drinks, and yet is still cursed with a hefty and flabby exterior. Medical investigations have uncovered the location of an "obesity gene" in his d.n.a, which causes his stomach to balloon regardless of what's put into it. No amount of exercise can improve is health, and he's beginning to gain weight at such an alarming rate that his internal organs are at risk of collapsing under his unbelievable girth.
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Black Micron 01
Black Micron 01 peed on my rug once. I'm serious, he just waltzed into my house like he owned the place and peed all over my rug. It was a family heirloom too, tracing back to our german heritage in the 1800's, and now it smells like Black Micron 01 pee. I took it to the dry cleaners and everything, but that damn scent still lingers throughout my living room, taunting me with its salty stench. That mutt had better hope his owner has a lot of money, because I'm suing his ass.
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Black Micron 02
Black Micron 02 feasts on the flesh of the innocent and bathes in the blood of the pure-hearted. A single squelch from his chest-maw of indolence could burst the earth into flame, and a single flap of his necrotized wing would turn the tides into a frenzy of destruction. He crushes the bones of the weak beneath his feet, churning their marrow into powder, and gores the guts of the helpless with his horns of cruelty. He is the single most destructive member of the Sunny Shores Planned Community, and the neighbourhood watch is planning to write a very curt list of complaints to him.
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Black Micron 03
Black Micron 03 is one of the least significant drug lords in all of North America. He has a single marijuana plant on his back porch, which nets him about six grams of sellable weed a month. He then distributes it to his lesser-downs, who sell it on the streets for upwards of 40 dollars profit. But like any businessman worth his salt, he's always planning to expand: the other day when him and his friends were hiking, they spotted a couple of strange mushrooms growing in the forest. If they're not poisonous, this could be the ticket to the big leagues that Black Micron 03's been waiting for.
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Black Micron 05
Black Micron 05 is an editor for Wikipedia.com, and struggles to uphold the integrity of the site each and every day. From when he wakes in the late afternoon to when he falls asleep at three in the morning from an energy drink-induced coma, he fights a never-ending battle against ignorance and falsification. At least twice a day he has to clean up spam people have posted in the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine page, and is often tasked with correcting erroneous information that plagues the Beyblade section (it's amazing how many ignorant slobs don't know that the voice actor who played Dizzi in the english dub was Julie Lemieux). It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it, and the sense of satisfaction and superiority that Black Micron 05 gets is far more rewarding than any paying job could ever be.
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Black Micron 08
Black Micron 08 has been flexing for the last ten years. When posing for a photograph at the beach, all of his muscles seized up at once and he has been unable to move ever since. Unwilling to let this prevent him from bodybuilding, he gets his wife and children to carry him to the gym every day and put him on all the various exercise equipment, holding him in place on the treadmills and putting weights into his hands for him. His obsession has taken its toll on his family, who have become physically, emotionally, and financially exhausted by keeping Black Micron 08 in his athletic lifestyle. The moral of the story is: exercising ruins lives and destroys families.
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Blue Micron 005
Blue Micron 005 is the smarmiest man in the west. His levels of confidence and jackassery have ingratiated him to no one, and delicate ladies everywhere feel defiled as he strolls into town on his ungodly Haunchbeast, grinning his cocky grin and whistling at them in his lurid tones. One southern belle even claimed that his debaucherous catcalls defiled her sensibilities to the point where she found herself possessed by an unknown demonic force, which took several tonics to purge from her body. A reward is being offered for the first man to slap Blue Micron 005 across the head and knock some sense into him, but none have taken to the task out of fear that contact with the man will somehow pass his vulgarity onto them.
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Blue Micron 01
Blue Micron 01 is the gravedigger for the Amish Community of Bathurst. He's been literally up to his knees in work recently: why, just last week old Jebidiah was killed in a carriage accident by the potato patch. Missus Miriam died in her sleep last night when her wood stove broke open and set her shack on fire. Even little Eli has passed from this world, viciously devoured by a pack of ravenous barn owls. In fact, Blue Micron 01 is the only one left, the rest dead to plague, famine, or wrath of god. But he is bound by his solemn duty to the community, and toils away to dig graves for each and every one of his former neighbours and friends.
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Blue Micron 02
After becoming dependant on a luxurious and extravagant lifestye, Blue Micron 02 was destroyed when she was fired from the International Line-Dancing Squad of Las Vegas. She was forced to turn to accounting at a major law firm as a fallback job, and with teary eyes had to say goodbye to her caviar baths and gold-encrusted wine goblets as her income dwindled into five figures. She doesn't know how much longer she can last like this, living like a plebian, working from paycheck to paycheck just to be able to afford lobster buffets like a commoner. The indignity!
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Blue Micron 03
After an unassuming trip to the optometrist, Blue Micron 03 was delighted to find that his new prescription lenses had gained sentience and transformed into fantastical creatures. Imagine the jealousy of the other children when he came to school the next day, face adorned with monsters that were beyond imagination. He became the talk of fifth grade, and everybody wanted to be his friend, if only to get a brief glimpse of his magical eyewear. Sadly, the creatures obstructed Blue Micron 03's vision, rendering the original intent of the glasses completely moot, and his mother took them back to the optometrist to get them fixed. When his glasses returned the next day, they were normal glass and frames, and the creatures were gone. Nobody knows what happened to them, but if I had to wager a guess, I'd probably say that they're dead.
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Blue Micron 05
Blue Micron 05 works for the Department of Motor Vehicles. It's his job to impound cars that have outstanding unpaid ticket warrants, and has to reduce them to piles of rubble as the former owners weep at the loss of their beloved vehicle. He then fines them further fees for the cost of impoundment, and bottles their tears for his collection. This would be a very difficult job if not for Blue Micron 05's disdain for all living things.
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Blue Micron 08
Blue Micron 08 is the don of the notorious and deadly Animu Mafia. He has jurisdiction over the entire Otaku district, and not a nyah is uttered without his expressed permission. Recently his organization has come under fire from an apposing clan, the wily Ganguro Gang, whose constant attacks are starting to jeopardize the stability of his underground hentai ring. Blue Micron 08 will not tolerate these bakas messing up his stranglehold of power, and is planning an all-out assault against these kanga weeaboos. The streets will run red with sake and blood, and as the sun rises over glorious Nippon its ownership shall return to its true inheritors, the Animus.
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Blue/Black Micron 05
Blue/Black Micron 05 is trapped in an eternal limbo between life and death. He floats around the haunted moors of this earth, looking for other lost souls to console his confusion and misery. Every weekend, him and the other souls get together for a friendly poker game. It's all well and good, but that damn ghoul from across the bog always wins, and Blue/Black Micron 05 has reason to believe that he's a cheating bastard.
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Brown Micron 005
Brown Micron 005 had his identity stolen by an underground organization that steals identities and sells them off to the highest bidder. So now, for a small monthly fee, YOU could be Brown Micron 005! Have you ever wanted to live a life your friends can be envious of, and buy illicit contraband without fear of reprisal? Well, now you can! Just call 1-900-IDTHEIF, and in six to eight weeks your new identity will arrive via expedited postage, absolutely free of charge! Call today and we'll even throw in the names of all of Brown Micron 005's family members, further cementing your believability in the role! Quantities are limited, so act fast! This deal's too good to last!
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Brown Micron 01
Due to millennia of slothfulness and gluttony leading to the detriment of Mount Olympus, the titan Brown Micron 01 was banished from the holy kingdom and tasked with holding the earth in place in space, just the right distance from the sun so that life can thrive and flourish. For countless years he has been begrudgingly diligent in his duty, bound by the holy code and fear of the gods' wrath to ensure the world is kept safe in its place. Unfortunately, age seems to be catching up with Brown Micron 01, and his recent onslaught of arthritis has had dramatic repercussions for Earth's inhabitants: brutal tidal waves, onslaughts of tornadoes, drastic climate change, and it's uncertain how much longer we have until Brown Micron 01 drops the ball.
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Brown Micron 05
Brown Micron 05 has infinitely better taste than you do. He used to listen to all the good bands before they sold out and went commercial, he wore fedoras before it was cool to wear fedoras, and he unironically watches old nineties cartoons in a way that his highly ironic in a double-reverse-irony way that you couldn't even hope to comprehend. He's a performance artist, unwilling to let his lack of talent and motive prevent him from being superior to everyone else in the art community, and his hour-long exhibitions where he strips naked and rolls around in dog saliva speak way louder than skill ever could. All of Brown Micron 05's friends view him as a detestable pretentious egoist, but he thinks the same of them, and their friendship is founded on their mutual disdain for everyone and everything in a highly ironic way.
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Burgundy Micron 05
Burgundy Micron 05 is the dark lord of all things evil and unbearable. He sits atop his haunted castle on the precipice of Mount Misery, sending his demonic cherubs to fetch him innocent peasants for him to torture. But you can only murder so many farmers before things start to get boring, and Burgundy Micron 05 is starting to tire of the mundane routine of diabolical cruelty that he's maintained since time immemorial. He's started a minor-league baseball team with his cherubs, but all opposing teams become delirious with fear and haunted with the nightmares of their impending doom for the rest of their lives, so it's been difficult to find any willing challengers.
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Fresh Green Micron 05
Fresh Green Micron 05 used to hide by the craggy shore of Temptation Island, drawing sailors towards the dangerous territory with her sultry siren's call. However, when they got close enough to see her hideous visage, it snapped them out of their stupor, literally scaring them back into safer waters. The other sirens got pretty fed up with her bumbling everything up, so they exiled her to the shores of North Korea, where she keeps unwanted visitors away, much to the delight of the Glorious Leader.
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Green Micron 005
Green Micron 005 is the first zombie ever to run for office. He's tired of the discrimination against his kind. A zombie can't get a job in the school district unless his undead nature is concealed; parents fear that if their children are taught by a zombie, they'll grow up to be zombies too. Zombies are pulled over on the streets by police at night and beaten without provocation, and the church is filing petitions to make zombieism illegal. Contrary to popular belief, being undead is not a disease, it's a lifestyle choice, and Green Micron 005 is tired of prejudice and misinformation plaguing his people wherever they go. He's Green Micron 005, and he's here to recruit you.
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Green Micron 01
Green Micron 01 is in charge of negotiations between the Micron community and the Copic kingdom. Tensions between the two nations are escalating, and King Copic is threatening to invade the capitol city of Micronia with his elite military squad. This, in part, is due to age-old prejudices and rivalries between the two peoples: the Microns resent the Copics for hoarding the resources and wealth of the land, and feel as if King Copic's empire is built upon the toil and foundation of the Micron people. The Copics, however, view the Microns as elitist snobs who think that they're responsible for the prosperity of the Empire. Green Micron 01 has been thanklessly trying to reconcile the two disparate groups, with little success. With the Copic tanks preparing to depart for Micronia by dawn, Green Micron 01 is struggling to come up with a peaceful solution, so as not to have the blood of his people on his hands.
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Green Micron 02
Green Micron 02 has suffered at the hand of his life-insurance policy. After being shot in the crossfire of a neighbourhood gang-war, he was rushed to the hospital and had life-saving surgery performed immediately. However, the doctors later discovered that his insurance didn't cover: "Pre-existing conditions, newly existing conditions, organ failure, organ transplants, cosmetic surgery, physiotherapy, acts of god, acts of satan, injury, hospital visits, medical expenses, or bullet-wounds resulting from crossfire in neighbourhood gang-wars", and the doctors were forced to remove thirty pounds of his body fat and half of his major organs in order to compensate for his short-payment. On the plus side, Green Micron 02 is now below his ideal target weight.
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Green Micron 03
The Newark Police Department responded to reports of a domestic disturbance last night at approximately 9:23PM. The call came from a disgruntled neighbour, who claimed that blood-curdling screams could be heard coming from the house next door. After a forced entry, police went upstairs to discover Green Micron 03, listening to his favourite album "Screams to Curdle Your Blood, Volume 3" at a volume exceeding 100 decibels. Officers issued him a ticket for noise violation and warned him not to do it again.
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Green Micron 05
Green Micron 05 has had some serious problems with his mouth-hand recently. Although the two originally got along swimmingly, cultural differences are starting to take their toll. For example, although his hand might find it perfectly alright to devour hordes of innocent bystanders, by Green Micron 05's standards it is a reprehensible social no-no. But the hand is never satisfied: it constantly demands more blood, more flesh to satiate it's carnal desires. You could say things have gotten a little....out of hand.
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Green Micron 08
Green Micron 08 is accustomed to getting whatever she wants. Her parents have spoiled her for all three years of her rich, unfulfilled life, and she'll be damned if an idiot like you is going to mess up the good thing she has going. So you'd better just hand over any goods you might have right now, it's for your own good. What's that, you don't want to? Well, we'll see how much you "want to" after she goes to her parents and complains about how the bad man tried to hurt her. I mean, who are they going to believe? Do you really want that on your criminal record? I didn't think so. Thanks for the cookies, idiot.
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Hunter Green Micron 05
Hunter Green Micron 05's job has taken its toll on him. Before he started working the 9-5 office routine, he was a vibrant and outgoing figure, loved by all in his community. But years of stress and poor management have left him as a hollow husk of a man: his hair has fallen out from stress, he's contracted carpal-tunnel syndrome from his constant typing, and he's ballooned in weight from being stuck in a chair all day. His legs have shrivelled into useless twigs, unable to support his ever-increasing girth, and his spine has shifted and twisted so that unless he's sitting in his chair he suffers constant pain. In fact, it has become impossible to tell if Hunter Green Micron 05 is even alive anymore, sitting in his office consumed by pain and misery, unable to do anything but work his life away in this hideous system of abuse. He'd quit, but in seven years he's potentially eligible for a fifty cent wage increase, and that's too good for him to pass up.
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Orange Micron 005
Orange Micron 005 is a professor at the University Of Supernatural And Highly Dubious Practices (USHDP). For fifteen years he's been teaching "Communications With The Dead 101", wherein he teaches his students how to summon the spirits of occult beings and mysterious spectres. Sadly, his class has an incredibly high dropout rate, equivalent to the number of students who mysteriously vanish every semester. Orange Micron 005 attributes this to the poor work ethic of today's generation.
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Orange Micron 01
Orange Micron 01 was determined to throw the perfect tea-party. He assembled the finest of camomiles, picked only freshest cherry blossoms, and gathered the mintiest of leaves for the occasion, and made sure his condominium was impeccably clean. His downfall, however, lied in allowing news of the party to hit the ears of his bumbling neighbor, Gordon Sparks. When the day of the tea-party came, Gordon arrived with his entourage of drunken bros, leading the night in a torrential downfall of debauchery and intoxication that would make even the drunkest frat-boy blush. Orange Micron 01 had his dreams of the perfect tea-party thoroughly destroyed by the idiocy of that blasted Mr. Sparks, and was left to clean up the mess the next day. Revenge shall be swift and just.
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Orange Micron 05
When all the girls in school rejected my invitations to take them to prom, I ended up having to take my sister instead. It was really awkward, because we were born in the same year and we look a lot alike and everybody knew it was my sister, but I didn't really have much else to choose from. Then Orange Micron 05 spiked the punch with tequila and my sister got really drunk and tried to make out with me in the middle of the dancefloor. When I rejected her advances she slapped me in the face and called me a sex offender, then got on top of the banquet table and stripped naked in front of the entire graduating class while singing "Material Girl". She got pulled out of the ballroom by security and ended up going to Orange Micron 05's apartment for the night. A few weeks later she found out that he'd gotten her pregnant in her night of drunken revelry, and he quickly broke off contact with her. To this day, he still refuses to pay child support. So, all in all, I should probably thank Orange Micron 05 for at least making my prom night memorable.
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Purple Micron 005
After being kicked out of Hell's Angels for repeatedly making lewd advances on their ringleader, Purple Micron 005 decided to give back to the community and open an orphanage for unfortunate, parentless children. Although the community originally applauded him for his change of heart, they began to become suspicious of his motives when children started disappearing from the orphanage at an alarming rate. The state sent social workers to investigate the possibly dubious nature of his child-care program, but the social workers soon went mysteriously missing as well. Since then, anyone who has come within a three mile radius of the orphanage has disappeared from the face of the earth, and all citizens avoid that area of town at all costs for fear of being sucked into Purple Micron 005's nexus of despair.
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Purple Micron 01
Purple Micron 01 lives in a cave at the top of the tallest mountain in Russia. He feasts on the hordes of glow worms that gather in his den, drawn to his clutches by the allure of his luminescent skin. On clear nights he can be seen for miles, a glowing spectre of the evening sky. In fact, many russian sailors have mistaken him for the North Star, which has led to many navigational errors over the years and cost countless millions in damages to ships that have run ashore from the misinformation Purple Micron 01 contributes to the constellations.
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Purple Micron 05
Despite being dead, Purple Micron 05 is still cooler than you could ever hope to be. All the chicks go crazy for him, living or otherwise, and his ghostly Camero is so cool it could make the skin melt off of your face if you so much as touched it (but that might be because it's cursed with face-melting magic). Purple Micron 05 lived cool, he died cool, and he will continue to be the epitome of cool, long into the future and for all days to come.
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Red Micron 005
Once a popular cartoon character of 1940's animation, Red Micron 005 was pulled out of syndication after numerous complaints were made by the Moral Scruples Society, who claimed that his insatiable greed and overtly racist overtones were a detriment to the values of the children who were watching his show. Nowadays he's all but forgotten, except for a few animation buffs and white-pride activists who claim that his cartoons still have artistic merit. Nary a meeting of the Aryan Propagation Society goes by where excerpts from the episode "NAME CENSORED DUE TO OFFENSIVE NATURE" aren't played to the delight of all attending.
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Red Micron 01
Red Micron 01 is the author of the popular and highly successful comic strip "Garfberttrot & Hobbes", which details the adventures of a tabby cat who works the 9-5 cubicle life while trying to balance his time with his three wacky kids and imaginary stuffed animal friend. The strip has received numerous accolades and copyright lawsuits since its inception, which have not deterred from its constant popularity. Last year Red Micron 01 won the Pulitzer Prize for "Most Shameless Aping Of Other Successes", which helped propel the comic even further into the spotlight.
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Red Micron 02
Red Micron 02 comes from a long and proud line of dragonhunters. For generations, his family has been tasked with ridding this world of the fire-breathing scourge, and they have sworn to protect humanity from its airborne oppressors until the end of time. Only, there's a problem: there aren't any dragons left. It seems that his family did a little too good of a job, because the last reported dragonslaying occurred three generations ago, when Red Micron 02's great grandfather slew Orgnak Tassletalons, Geriatric Wyvern of Greystone Gulch. Still, tradition can be a difficult thing to break, and refusing to believe that the dragon menace was really gone, his great grandfather insisted that his descendants continue the family business. His son and his son's son both followed his wishes, whittling their combat skills to a fine point, motivated by the paranoia that the dragons were merely in hiding, gathering their forces and growing in number until they could form an attack on the human race. Red Micron 02, however, is pretty sure that dragons don't, and never have, existed, and thinks that the precautions his family are taking are a bit....ludicrous. He has been trained all his life for a task he doesn't believe in, and despite having a herculean physique and finesse in all areas of combat, is planning to be the first in his family to reject tradition, pursuing a career in psychiatry.
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Red Micron 03
Red Micron 03 is a vile and revolting delinquent. His disgusting appearance and repulsive behaviour have endeared him to none but madmen and criminals, neither of which are to be associated with. He waves his tongue about the town, scaring children and offending adults everywhere, and he publicly displays his vulgarity and atrocity like it isn't a problem. It is a problem, Red Micron 03, it is a big problem, and the next time you show up on my lawn at three in the morning screaming like a maniac and vomiting in my birdfeeder, I'm calling the cops.
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Red Micron 05
Red Micron 05 is a curious little creature. Whenever he sees a useless trinket in a store window or a bauble left by the roadside, he can't help but take it. However, his curiosity is beginning to border on kleptomania: his beachside cave is lined with garbage, from piles of dog-eared newspapers to a bathtub full of rusted snorkels to a disturbingly large stockpile of dollar-store lighters. His fascination with all things shiny and trivial has both endeared and disenchanted him in the eyes of the community: most people find his innocent and curious nature adorable, and view him as sort of a town mascot, keeping the streets clean from litter. The workers at the local dollar-store, however, are significantly less pleased with Red Micron 05's behaviour.
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Red Micron 08
Red Micron 08 was mortified when, after taking a stroll on Halloween in his new fox costume, he was mistaken by a group of anthropomorphic animals as a "furry" and forcefully brought to a "convention" that was held in their ringleader's basement. After being subjected to endless repeat showings of The Fox and The Hound and getting stuck in conversation for hours with a morbidly obese woman who identified herself as "half-human, half-lioness" and went on about how she refused to take her anger medication, Red Micron 08 sneakily made his way to the door and ran, never looking back.
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Rose Micron 005
Rose Micron 005 is the guiding spirit for a hero of olden lore. He was created by the gods to assist the legendary hero on his journey to greatness, helping him defeat the evil lord of the lands and bring peace back to the world. Well, the hero's finally here, but Rose Micron 005 has his doubts about this guy. For starters, he's eleven years old. I mean, there's nothing wrong with starting early, but Rose Micron 005 almost felt a tinge of hesitation when he had to give the legendary sword of the spirits to a child. The kid's not that bright, either: he spent the first two hours of his journey swinging his sword at rocks, cheapening the sacred weapon and making a public fool of himself. The kid can't even swim: every time he touches water he sinks right to the bottom, leaving Rose Micron 005 to pull him out, disappointed and embarrassed to be seen with such a disgrace. He's starting to think maybe the gods weren't really thinking this one through.
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Rose Micron 01
Rose Micron 01 is the illegitimate lovechild of a forbidden romance between a man and the world's fastest supercomputer. As a result, it has the virus susceptibility and sudden system errors of a computer, but also the weak fleshy skin and self-absorbed nature of a human, making it completely unbearable in every imaginable way. It spends its days in an abandoned factory in the outskirts of Oakland, walking into floor equipment and rebooting every five minutes.
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Rose Micron 05
As a child, Rose Micron 05 never would have imagined that he'd be spending his adulthood as an exotic dancer for a strip club in Las Vegas. He used to have dreams and aspirations; he was going to be something. He originally moved to Nevada to pursue a career in accounting, but quickly found that jobs were scarce. Downtrodden by circumstance, he turned to gambling to ease his pains, and ended up incurring serious debts. In an act of desperation to pay off what he owed, he turned to a career in stripping, gyrating for crowds of women who treated him like a piece of meat. Rose Micron 05 is trapped in an endless cycle of excess and debauchery, his dreams crushed by the city of sin and lights.
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Royal Blue Micron 05
Can you feel it? That tingling sensation at the top of your head, that itching on your scalp? That's Royal Blue Micron 05, sinking his sinuous tendrils into your flesh and suckling the nutrients from your brain. Don't panic: he can sense your fear, and will jab his head through your medulla oblongata, killing you instantly. Instead, go about your daily routine like nothing is wrong. Go to work, use the bathroom, eat some chips, pretend like nothing is amiss. This will lull him into a false sense of security, and that will be your time to strike: boil a pan of water, pretending to make yourself a delicious hot beverage, and then pour it over your head as quickly as you can. This will irritate Royal Blue Micron 05 so much that he'll leave, allowing you to live your life without fear, hair, or a face: it's a small price to pay to be rid of this insidious beast.
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Sepia Micron 05
Let's face the facts, Sepia Micron 05: you're getting old. Your best years are behind you and, frankly, I don't have what it takes to care for you anymore. Between my work at the pawn shop and my incessant binge drinking, I can't provide the care that you need and deserve. So that's why I put you in the home: it was what was best for you. Don't start whining to me about it: I mean sure, it's grey and boring and they only have one television with three channels, but at least you're surrounded by friendly faces! Wait, you say that the other old folks are mostly rambling madmen with little to no sanity left, praying for death every day? Don't be so harsh, they're just eccentric! Besides, what do you have to complain about? You have an i.v. of ritalin pumping into your bloodstream all day! I'm sure that cheers you up! It doesn't?...What's that? You say that the nurses are stealing your medication and harassing you daily? Well, look at the time, I gotta go!
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Yellow Micron 05
Yellow Micron 05 can't help but feel like nobody ever notices him. He tends to fade into the background wherever he is, despite his many efforts to gain attention. Even when he stands right in front of someone and waves his arms in their face, screaming at them about the poor nature of their upbringing, they tend to look right past him and don't even seem to hear his insults. In fact, he got so desperate for attention that he recently robbed a bank, holding fifteen people hostage and demanding an escape helicopter from the police. However, the police never responded to the situation, and even most of the hostages didn't seem to notice that they were being held at gunpoint. Later examination of the security tape would show that Yellow Micron 05 did not show up on camera at any point while inside the bank.
